Dr. Beverly Block: Articles

WHAT ARE YOUR HIDDEN TALENTS?


By DR.BEVERLY BLOCK


Often we identify our abilities by what others have told us what we can do, and sometimes these designations ignore the bulk of the true talents that we actually possess. This sort of labeling begins very early in our life and can manifest in negative comments from a parent, teacher, sibling, or friend. We are indelibly influenced by what people close to us say. Whether a comment has been uttered in jest or maliciously, all of us have been hurt by a negative remark at one time or another. “Get out of the kitchen. You'll burn something.” “You’re so clumsy you’ll never make the team.” “You’re not really going to try out for the chorus with your voice?” Negative labeling can come in many forms, but its one constant is its detriment.

An insensitive teacher can forever change your self-image, and I won’t even begin to list what non-supportive parents can do. If you were unfortunate enough to have one -- you know. It isn’t easy to deal with failure and the subsequent negative feedback at an early age, but failure is inevitable, so is the learning process of trial and error to overcome it . We need to learn to put adversity in proper perspective, and instead of surrendering to negative feedback and fear of failure, remember that all new endeavors take patience and practice. When we stumble, we must pick ourselves up and start again. I have marveled at Ice Skaters at the top of their game that do just that, when I am sure that I would leave the ice in tears. Let’s face it, falling is never graceful no matter who does it, and yet they carry on with dignity. They started their careers with more bruised than their egos, but they kept trying.

I want to tell you that it’s never too late to develop latent talents. You don’t have to be perfect at what you do, just have fun with it. Think of all of the activities in which you are involved that give you a real sense of self-esteem and importance. You will realize that proficiency does not breed enjoyment; in fact, the opposite is more often true. Remember that not even professionals started out at the "top of their game’'. There couldn’t be a top if there was never a bottom.

I counseled a woman in her sixties who enjoyed skiing, skating, tennis, and swimming. I suppose this isn’t that unusual except that she didn’t learn any of these skills until she was an adult. She had an overprotective mother who was obsessed with the thought that she would get hurt, so she wasn’t allowed to develop her athletic ability as she was growing up. In fact, she didn’t even know how to ride a bike until a few years ago, and now she joins a group every year that travels across Europe! This woman even entered an amateur tennis tournament last year and won! It’s wonderful that she’s enjoying so many activities at her age, but I’m saddened when I think of all the talent that could have been nurtured and enjoyed at an early age. You never know what abilities you may have that have never been developed. Check your list of talents again. Is there something you would like to include but cannot because you’ve given up on it or never took that risk in trying? Think about how fulfilling it would be to see that list grow ... then feed it!

Along with motivating yourself, if you have children it is important to encourage them in all areas. Remember, don’t push, just encourage. You may not foster a golfer like Tiger Woods or a Gold Medalist in the Olympics, but you’ll raise kids who have developed a talent and feel good about themselves.

Children need to know that it is O.K. to fail, because it is an inevitable step on the road to success. The only way that you can avoid failure is to never try anything new, and that is not an option. To keep your children positive and confident despite their failures, instill in them self-esteem that is not contingent upon their success. Rather, teach them to enjoy even the activities that they do not appear to excel at, as all new experiences can awaken potential.

We all treasure success, and yet we rarely achieve success without first enduring the stepping stones of failure. There is so much to lose when you live according to your fear of failure --new ideas, – new careers, – exciting activities, – fulfilling relationships. If you don’t take a risk, you’ll never move forward.

You may have concerns about being a failure in your personal life. Disappointing your partner emotionally or sexually, displeasing your parents by your life choices, not measuring up to the expectations of your friends and family, or worse ... your own. These are all very common anxieties for people, regardless of their individual accomplishments and goals. These fears, therefore, are understandable, but not reasonable. We must accept that we cannot be all things to all people, but can only do our best with the individual tools available to us.

Below are some examples of recognizable individuals who faced formidable failures, but instead of surrendering to the shame and fear, used it as a boost to reach even greater success. As you read the following accounts, think about your many successes as compared to your perceived failures. Have you failures bolstered your successes? Has stumbling and falling ever landed you on the path of unforeseen accomplishment?

# Babe Ruth, considered to be the greatest baseball player of all time, had a strike out record that still stands, – but today we remember him as the Home Run King.

# Robert F. Kennedy was considered a shy and slow child and had to repeat the second grade, but his legacy is hardly one of failure.

# Indira Ghandi was elected the first Prime Minister of India in 1972. Three years later she was indicted for fraud and barred from office. She was re-elected after restoring civil liberties only to be ousted again in 1977. She was re-instated again in 1980, only to continue a cycle of disappointment and redemption throughout her career.

# Agatha Christi’s literary life did not offer immediate stardom. Her first novel was a failure, as were the next four. However, she did not allow her initial failure to deter her desire to write. It was with her sixth book that she became a famous writer, and is considered one of the twentieth century’s most prolific and popular mystery writers.

# Abraham Lincoln suffered from severe depression and lost every minor and major election in his life -- until he ran for President of the United States. In his case, simple submission would have changed the face of the world.

These people, and countless others, all went on to have distinguished careers after life altering failures. Failure, it seems, was their path to success. If you can change your perceptions to include failure as a strengthening drill on the sometimes grueling path to success, you can turn losses into lessons and disappointments into discipline. And hopefully, you won’t ever need a refresher course.

The career that you enjoy today may not be the one that you dreamed about, but there must have been a defining moment when you took the path that led you to where you are. I never dreamed of being a Psychologist. I don't even think I knew what it was. I was going to be a great actress. I think I still have my acceptance speech in an old trunk somewhere ---- the one I was going to read when I accepted my Oscar. I can't say that failure led me in another direction, but had the studios been pounding down my door. I wouldn't be a Psychologist.. I enjoyed my journey to where I am today. There was some colorful scenery along the way. I was an actress, a singer, a song writer, a designer, a drama teacher, a playwright, a self-help author, a vocational counselor, and an excellent hot dog vendor. One of my favorite roles was being a wife and mother and now a grandmother. The more hats you wear in your life, the more exciting it will be. You will end up being where you are supposed to be. I truly believe in destiny. Follow your passion and you can always take a detour. Even childhood dreams are not set in stone. Don't waste your time fearing failure. It's the greatest teacher of all.

PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS:

By Dr. Beverly Block



FATHER / DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS


How you feel about yourself as a woman goes back to how your Daddy treated his little girl.

* Did he listen to what you had to say?

* Did he respect your opinions and welcome your contributions to the conversation?

* Did he ever ask you for input regarding family issues?

* Did he treat women in general like second-class citizens?

* Did he respect your mother and show her affection?

* Were they equal partners?

* Did he participate in family functions or did his work come first?

* Was he active in your school activities, or was he an absentee father?

* Did he keep his promises, or did you often wait by the window for him after the last guest left your birthday party and the ice cream had melted?

* Was he aggressive or abusive to you or your mother?

Look at the relationships that you've had with other men. Do you gravitate to men like your father? Are they usually kind and loving men -- or are they uncaring or abusive? Daughters need to know that the first man in their life loved them unconditionally, as every man in her life thereafter will be patterned after her first love -- good, bad, or indifferent!

If you are a female, you were fortunate to have a father who enriched your life. If he made you feel like his beautiful princess and also valued you as an intelligent and independent individual, then I'm fairly certain that your relationships with men in your life have been positive experiences. If you lived with a Father who discounted you and made you feel miserable, then it's likely that you have picked the same kind of men as an adult. One would think that living with a alcoholic or an abuser would make you more aware and thus more cautious and selective. Unfortunately this is the opposite of the established patterns. Surprisingly enough you tend to choose the same man as your father, regardless of his positive or negative affect on your life. It seem incongruent that you would you would choose the same kind of man who probably made your youth a living Hell. The Psychology behind this phenomenon is really quite interesting. Being treated in an abusive way as a child diminishes your self-worth and thus your expectations of yourself and the way others should treat you. You forget that you deserve choices in your life, and tend to accept whatever circumstances befall you. Moreover, as most abusive, aggressive men prefer women they can easily dominate, your diminished self-image makes you a target for abuse. A vicious cycle of reduced self-worth and abusive relationships ensues because abusive treatment only enforces the poor self-esteem. Women will marry or live with an abusive man like "dear old Dad" and when they incredibly find the courage to leave him, only seek out another man just like him. I have counseled countess women in my private practice and in battered women's shelters, and many of them are not even been aware of this destructive pattern. As I have said before, "You cannot solve what you won't acknowledge. Breaking the pattern is essential if you are ever to enjoy a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. The question then is - how do you break these patterns?

First you must acknowledge that you have the problem. Work on building your self-esteem and give up the role of victim. Refer to the material we covered in the Chapters on negative and positive self-image. A positive sense of Self is essential if you are going to break this negative cycle. Now you must identify the traits that are predominant in the men that you choose. Ask yourself the following questions:

* Is this individual power hungry?

* Does he need to be in control at all times?

* Does he have an inflated Ego?

* Is he jealous?

* Is he possessive?

* Does he discount your opinions?

* Does he want to change you? Your hair, clothes, your personality, etc.

* Does he need to be right most of the time?

* Does he embarrass you in public?

* Does he discount your feelings?

* Has he ever abused you, psychologically, verbally, or physically?

* Is he quick to say, "You made me do that" or "I'm sorry, it won't happen again"?

Any of these things can red flags, but if you love this individual and you both want to work on the relationship then I suggest Couple Counseling. If you are contemplating living together or marriage, I feel that this is absolutely essential. If I could implement a law regarding obtaining a marriage license, I would make it mandatory for the couple to participate in at least six sessions of pre-marital counseling before securing the most important document they will ever sign. With this new found perspective and information from an impartial therapist, you may decide that you are willing to overlook some of his negative behavior. If you are certain that you cannot live with the imperfections of this individual, - even if some of the traits are seemingly benign, do not count on changing them after you have made a final commitment. It's not going to happen. Find an opposite type and give him a chance. You will finally be on your way establishing new patterns of behavior.


MOTHER / SON RELATIONSHIPS


If you're a male and your relationship with your Mother was empowering because you felt important and loved, then her influence was a positive one. I'm sure that you developed respect for women in general and eventually sought out a woman that exhibited the positive qualities you recognized, either consciously or subconsciously, in your mother. Unfortunately, some relationships between mothers and sons can be very conflicted.

* Did your mother know how to hold you close and when to let go'?

* Did she pamper you and do everything for you?

* Did she make you her ally against your father?

* Was she involved in your school activities?

* Did she criticize the girls you dated and find fault with your friends?

* Did she complain about your father in your presence?

* Was she supportive of your choices and sympathetic when you sometimes fuel on your face'?

* Did she have a strong sense of who she was and what she wanted for herself and her family?

* Were you a unlatch-key' kid and did you envy the kids with stay at home moms?

* Was she verbally or physically abusive?


Statistically, women are not usually physical or sexual with their sons, but they can be verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive and the results are still very damaging. Disparaging, caustic, or otherwise emotionally insensitive mothers can be severely detrimental to the male ego. An underdeveloped or damaged ego is rarely unaccompanied by low self-esteem in both childhood and adulthood. If a boy grows-up with an abusive father and a mother that is too weak or fearful to protect her son, she is a classic Enabler. Early on the child tends to fill the unoccupied role of protector for both himself and his family, but ultimately grows to imitate the patterns of his father and becomes an abuser himself. In this instance, his mother is as responsible for this choice as his father and it is not unusual for him to have conflicted feelings toward his mother. He may feel anger -- pity -- and lack of respect. The stage has been set for the son to treat women as objects even if he is not overtly abusive. In this instance, his Mother is as responsible for his choice of the women in his life, as his Father. In these life altering circumstances, a mothers silence and/or emotional abandonment is salient.

Conversely, if a Mother indulges her Son's every whim while discouraging his growth and independence she is raising the classic "Mama's Boy." He will never learn to do simple things for himself, such as ironing his own shirt or frying an egg. There was an interesting documentary on television entitled, "The Classic Mama's Boy." It took place in Rome and the men depicted were very typical of the average adult Italian male. These were very handsome and successful men still living at home. They occupied their boyhood rooms, surrounded by childhood mementos. The allowed their mothers to pick up after them, wash and iron their clothes, and cook their meals. The happy sons climbed into their Ferraris and took off for their high-powered careers where they were often the CEO. This Mama's Boy syndrome is very common in many European cultures and even though I found it amusing, it was incredibly sad. These mothers are expressing their love by teaching their sons total and complete dependence. God help the women they finally marry -- if they do marry.

Do you consider yourself an independent male, not just financially, but emotionally? Loving ones mother is an admirable quality, but being a Mama's Boy when you're adult is not only pathetic, but it will prevent you from creating healthy relationships with women. As an adult you will expect your wife to do all of the things for you that your mother did Most women are not going to be willing to take over Mama's role as your maid and cook, -- and you probably wouldn't respect a woman that would.

If your mother was a strong influence in your life and you're having a difficult time in your relationships with women, it is time that you examine your past. Do you fit any of the profiles discussed in this chapter? You can break this negative cycle by first acknowledging that you have relationship problems and then by following the same suggestions that we covered earlier in this Chapter. Identify the traits that are predominant in the women that you choose. Ask yourself the following questions about the current woman in your life:

* Is this individual dependent and needy?

* Is she possessive and jealous a good deal of the time?

* Is she high maintenance to the extent that she and more concerned with style then substance?

* Does she have any interests in your passions, whether it be sports or opera?

* Does she dislike your family and find fault with your close friends?

* Does she have a good sense of self and goals for her future?

* Is she verbally or physically abusive?

* Does she find fault with your clothes, weight, etc. Is she obsessed with changing you?

* Is she more interested in what you do than who you are?

Any of these things can be red flags , but if you love this individual and you both want to work on the relationship then I suggest Couple Counseling, as I did earlier in this chapter, especially if you are contemplating living together or marriage. If you are certain that you cannot live with the imperfections of this individual, - as I said before, changing an individual is really not an option. Men, as well as women, tend to ignore warning signs that are apparent to an outsider. Most of the couples I have encountered in counseling firmly believe that they can change the other person once they are married. If you are one of these optimistic individuals please re-examine your Role-models. Did your parents change their negative behavior during their marriage or did they become more of what they were at the beginning of the relationship? In my opinion -- a stubborn child usually becomes a very stubborn teen-ager -- an extremely stubborn adult -- and an impossibly stubborn old person. Give that some serious thought when you decide to embark on a well-meaning mission of change.

The dynamics may be different in the relationships between Fathers and Daughters and Mothers and Sons but the results are the same. If your experiences have not been positive ones then you must break the ‘cycle' of negative parenting. If you don't do this you will make the same mistakes with your children and the cycle will continue.

by Dr. Beverly Block


Many people do not have the opportunity to interact with elderly people on a regular basis, and you may be one of them. I strongly suggest that you seek out situations where you can engage in conversation with the older generation. Sometimes initiating conversation with someone so far removed from your environment can seem awkward, stilted, or even boring; but when you have patience, you will be surprised at the rewards. Ask questions and then sit back and listen. Elderly people are not only the link to your past, but they are who you will be one day -- the link to your future.

Besides a wealth of wisdom that only the elderly can impart, relationships with a past generation can give us a deeper understanding and even make us more comfortable with our own aging and eventually with our own mortality. Think about the memories that you have with Grandparents or Aunts and Uncles. Do you have questions that will never be answered because you didn't take the time to ask them when you had the chance? If you have Grandparents who are still living take a tape recorder on your next visit. Ask them questions about their lives. What have they experienced that you never did? What are you doing in your life that they can never have imagined? If you allow them to be, conversations with the elderly can be mutual gifts. You are allowing them an opportunity to share their greatest possessions -- their memories -- and they are allowing you to share experiences that you are having -- the dream of a life that they will never know. You are giving each other a glimpse of both the past and the future. What a great gift to give one another and it doesn't cost a thing.

Take advantage of the experiences of those older, and now, wiser. They have already forgotten more then we know. Elderly people have fought and won the wars, endured unparalleled financial hardships, and essentially lived in a different world than our own. Perhaps you can benefit by learning from their successes and failures, and then one day pass it on yourself. As their eyesight is slowly failing, allow them the joy of 20/20 vision again -- through hindsight. I guarantee, it is not only their vision you will improve. Life is very fragile and all the more precious when you are very old. Do what you can to make these days special for them, while making the most of your time together for yourself. Whether you are mentioned in their will or not, you'll be a wealthy beneficiary.

I have spent a good deal of time working with the elderly patient -- in Seminars, Seniors Centers, and Retirement Homes. Most of them have told me that they not only benefit being with a younger person, but it is definitely a reciprocal relationship. They are aware that they have something left to give and teenagers are more than willing to accept these gifts. They feel that their own parents are often judgmental, their friends are not always trustworthy, their teachers are too busy, and many do not have grandparents to listen to them. No one seems to have the interest or the time and these older people have nothing but time.

I visited a Convalescent Home recently and spoke to a group of seniors and four teen volunteers. Two of the teens were there because they were doing Community Service for infractions of school rules -- so they had additional ‘baggage' in tow. This did not faze the elders. "Everyone has problems," said one woman. " We all deserve a second chance and sometimes a third and fourth one. Somebody has to give it to us."

In a small group we discussed all of the things that formed a common bond between these very diverse people. The young adults were surprised how much alike they were to each other and the elders just smiled knowingly. The span of fifty or sixty years that separated them seemed like the ‘blink of an eye'. They discussed a list of common concerns and we had a wonderful afternoon exchanging ideas and possible solutions. Here is their mutual Want List:

We want to feel that we are in control of our own lives. Realistically we know that sometimes we are too young or too old to have this control all of the time, but give us the chance to fail -- or perhaps succeed -- in certain areas. We might surprise you.
We want dignity and we want respect. Don't dismiss what we have to say and who we are. Accept us for who we are, who we were, and who we might become.
We want recognition of our contributions and for our yet untapped potential.
We want hope. We need to create a balance between hope and realism. The young and the old still tend to believe that all things are possible, but we need to know what is realistic and what is just fantasy.
We want attention from those that we love and respect. There is nothing more painful than being ignored. Small children often seek negative attention rather than be ignored. Sometimes we do the same thing.
We want privacy and a respect for our ‘space'.
We want autonomy. Please let us do the things that we can, even if it doesn't meet your standards.
We want friends. It is hard for us to find real friends at this stage of our lives whether young or old.
We want the people close to us to understand that we are often depressed and suffer from low self-esteem. At these times we need someone to listen.
We want freedom. We want to have this as long as possible.
We want to be in touch with our Spirituality. This will help us face our own mortality. You don't have to be ‘old' to face this inevitability.
This amazing group also came up with the because words they don't ever want to hear -- from their parents and from their children.

1. "Because it's good for you."

2. "Because you're not able to do it on your own."

3. " Because I know what's best."

4. " Because you can't manage your own money."

5. " Because you need to socialize more, get out more, develop new interests, etc."

Some of these things may be true and my group was aware of this possibility, but they still didn't want to hear it. They felt that these comments were judgmental and demeaning comments at any age. The elderly and the young both need to feel that they have some control of their lives -- even though often they don’t. We all want to feel in control, don't we? Children fight for control, adults need it in their lives, and old people hold on to it as long as they possibly can. Let them have as much as they can handle.

Most of the elderly people that I met loved being with the teenagers. They respected their sameness and accepted their differences. The friendships they shared were unconditional. The older people were fascinated with this independent generation --the body piercing, the tattoos, and the off-beat attire. I would like to share a classic encounter between one of the teens doing Community Service work and a man in his eighties who was a Marine in World War II. The young girl was planning on getting a tattoo that afternoon and was sharing the fact that her parents would be furious, but she didn't care. The older gentleman didn't seem shocked or disgusted and that made it comfortable for her to engage him in conversation. When she told him how unreasonable her parents were, he just listened. She stated that it was ‘her body' and they shouldn't tell her what she could do with it. He just listened to her vent and finally she asked him what he thought, and this was his reply.

"I got my first tattoo when I was just about your age. I was on leave in Hawaii and I must admit that me and my buddies were a little drunk -- but I'd have done it anyway. I had a sweet Hula girl tattooed on my right arm and she was a Honey. I gave her the name Edna, cause that was my sweetheart back home. She moved her hips when I flexed my muscles and the guys loved that. On my other arm I had the Marine Corp. Emblem and an American Eagle in flight. Boy, was I proud !", he said smiling.

"Can I see them?", the teenager asked.

"Sure can, but I have to warn you, they don't exactly look the same now. It took me years to remove the Edna, because the girl I married was named Alice. They could only get the ‘n' and ‘a' off, so I just told people that my middle name was Ed. The other problem is that I never thought I'd lose those muscles and Sweet Edna wouldn't wiggle any more and the sagging skin of my eighty-five years would leave my proud eagle looking like he fought one too many battles. Too bad they lost their glory, but boy, I sure did enjoy them when I was young though."

At this point the Ex-Marine rolled up his sleeves and showed the kids his once colorful and amazing tattoos -- now faded and sagging -- only a pathetic memory of what once was. Nothing was said, but I don't think his new friend kept her appointment at the tattoo parlor that day. The elderly man did not lecture, and he did not judge, because he remembered being young. He never thought he would live to regret a young Marine's amazing night on Bishop Street in Honolulu. The message was heard, loud and clear -- because the story was a story not a lecture. I think this is a great example of how a generation -- once removed -- handled a delicate situation.

Call your grandparents nd tell them how much you love and appreciate them. We don't say, "I love you" often enough. A grandparent's connection to you is priceless because their love is unconditional. My own Grandmother never left the confines of her home but she took me to places I could only dream of and will never forget. She left me with a love that has lasted my lifetime and a priceless gift of story telling that hopefully I will pass on to my grandchildren.

Invite an elderly person to tea, for teatime is truly a blessing and a bridge between the generations. It’s comforting, inviting, and a ritual that is virtually lost to our generation. Most of us are in such a hurry that we don't feel that we can set aside an afternoon for some quiet time with an elderly friend -- precious moments when the world stands still.

Resurrect the bygone era when women found their therapy in ‘quilting' and ‘come to tea' meant let's exchange ideas and share a bit of our lives.

"Quietly and without threat the tea ritual feels safe, comforting, inviting. Quietly and without threat, it calls us out of ourselves and into relationship. When we offer tea to someone, especially an elderly person, we are also offering ourselves. We are saying that we will listen to them, treat them with respect, and be present for them.”

I feel that the elderly give us many gifts of which we are not aware: their attitudes, their approval, their views on life, and their acceptance of death as part of life. They make it so much easier for the rest of us to face our mortality, and all we need to do is listen. This is one of the most important lessons that I have only recently learned in relation to my own aging Mother. I was overwhelming her with logical, scientific explanations for her memory loss ( which, of course, she didn’t remember five minutes later)— instead of just listening to what she was saying and trying to enter her reality instead of dragging her into mine. When I was a child and I asked a simple child’s question, she didn’t give me an answer that would be appropriate for a Rhodes Scholar; she listened and answered in my reality.

What we must remember is that the elderly are moving toward the end of their lives in their own way, and we must allow them to “dance the dance” how they choose—however out of step it may be. They are not as concerned with their own mortality as we are. We don’t want to hear it, but we must. If they want to discuss their plans for their funeral — listen. If they see loved ones that you don’t see or hear — listen. If they tell you that they are at peace and the Earth does not hold them any longer — listen. This is all they need from you right now. I have talked to many elderly people and many feel that the world has become too difficult and that their work here is done. As day-to-day living grows harder, the idea of death grows easier. Iin essence, the landing will not be as hard as the fall. I would like to share this poem that was written for my Dad in his last days on the Earth. The words made it easier for me to ‘let go’.

THE CAGE
by Darren Block

"He looked out of the bubble he called Home and surrounded by his friends and family, found himself alone
He was a small boy in a body ravaged by the racing hands of time
He finally found joy in the Jaded comfort of his pampered age.
It wasn't so bad to be trapped inside a gray and dying Cage.
They were around him now, though he seemed to go unnoticed all those years
His Spirit resounding now.
Unabraised by all those unattained careers, don't make no difference now
Cause you've pretty much outlived all of your Peers
"Won't You snatch my Soul and leave my Bones behind
Take me by the hand and let me see You turn the water into wine.
This Earth ain't got no hold on me no more
Let me step inside Your Kingdom and You can shut that big Gold Door."

If you are dealing with a loved one at the end of their life, remember to be in their reality. As the author says, they know it’s time to move on, so allow them to “ step inside His Kingdom.”